Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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