woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
