??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
