I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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