i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
