I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
