just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i now understand why vodka
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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