My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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