I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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