you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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