i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
