every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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