Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
