It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
