my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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