a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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