How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
