I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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