Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
