Sry I called you an 8
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
