I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
