when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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