I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
