well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
