Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
