The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize