I want to have your abortion
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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