i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
