SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
