She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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