I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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