Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
