but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
