I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
