Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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