I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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