I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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