somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
