he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
