We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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