This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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