just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
