you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
