if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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