btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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