she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
