dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
