I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
