she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
