I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
