Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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