Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
