Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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