the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
