Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
