allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize