I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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