wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
