my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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