I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
