why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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