I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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