You're my little dorito
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
