Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
