guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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