i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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