i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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